Thursday, January 22, 2009


I've been a busy girl lately. For the past 6 years I've hosted a girl's clothes-swap for my church youth group. Every year has been a success. The girls come with clothing and accessories they no longer want and our youth room becomes a giant, girly, free-for-all garage sale. This year I took a little more time and put a little more into it. Yet the day-of I was not excited. Regardless of my hard work, I felt very empty, ineffective and alone even with my closest friends there. I decided that my clothes-swap had run it's course. It was time to pass the torch on to someone else who could bring fresh ideas and a new perspective to the initial idea. This was Saturday.

I never miss church unless I am out of town or puking, but I could not will myself out of bed Sunday morning. I was up most of the night contemplating too-deep questions such as: What is my place in the world? Why do I feel so ineffective? Where is this road that I'm on taking me? Who can I count on? How can I meet all of the expectations I set for myself? So lack of sleep and a nasty lingering cold did me in. No church for me today. Certainly not effective laying in bed.

Tuesday was choir practice. I've been a soprano in the ABC Youth Choir for 13 years. Conveniently, I married the choir director. We sat with Nate (our music pastor) for a few minutes after practice and discussed aspirations for the new year. They both spoke of a desire to be more active in their ministries. To work harder. To share more. To be effective. To see increase. I've been longing to hear these words from these men for years. Our last album came out in 2001, and I've been holding out for the next thing since then. How frustrating that right now, all I want to do is rest, not work harder. But I'll try anyway.

Wednesday. I'm also on the Leadership Council for H.Y.P.E. (Helping Youth Prepare Eternally), our church youth group. There are 4 of us on the committee under the authority of the Youth Pastor, Stuart. Each of us alternate months when we lead 1 Wednesday night service. Of course, this is my night. Thankfully, I have an amazing resource: my husband. Somehow, we pulled off a great night of 'Holywood Squares' (no, that's not a typo). Suddenly, I can breath again. Feel good about myself again. Reminisce about the funny things people said and did that made the evening a success. Take pride in my work, even though I just played with construction paper and glue-stick all day. No matter, I felt effective.

Based on the last week, I'd say I need to do new things more often. I can get stuck in a rut pretty easily. I honestly thought I would do the clothes-swap forever. But all of a sudden, I'm just done. And that's ok. Because it seems the moment I climb out of my rut, an opportunity presents itself for me to do something new and effective. This is good because much is expected of someone as blessed as I am.


Girly Muse said...

oh i relate to this one on SO many levels. we probably need to talk about this sometime.

Jilliebeanie said...

I know you do, Lori. Thanks. And yes, we probably do. :)