Monday, June 10, 2013

Comfortable Little Space

Sorry I abandoned you for longer than intended.  My life is in an interesting state of limbo again and I've been doing a lot of reflecting and planning - all good stuff.  I wrote this post over a week ago and didn't like it enough to publish, but was too attached to delete it (hate it when that happens).  So here it goes:

I've been in denial about my fears for a long time.  I never thought of myself as a fearful person. Turns out, I am paralyzed by fear.  I don't take risks.  I don't move forward.  I only shuffle around in my comfortable little space.  Welcome to my revelation.

I'm afraid of not having enough money.  I don't have experience to justify this fear.  I've never truly lacked anything, ever.  My needs have always been met, and most of my wants too.  I've concluded that this fear is absurd and I'm going to get over it - the sooner the better.

What I'm even more afraid of is wasting precious time in my meager attempts at making money.  This is where the shuffling comes in.  If I'm not entirely satisfied with what I'm doing, I shift to something equally familiar, stable, and safe.  Too damn safe.  Grrr.

I'm afraid of failure.  Or maybe it's success that I'm afraid of.  Is there a difference?

I'm afraid of trying.  Like, really, actually trying.

I'm afraid of needing help.

I'm afraid of being judged.

I'm afraid of disappointment.

And this is just my professional life.  Ha.

I'm better than this.  If not, God certainly is.  So, this is the start of something.  I'm making gradual changes to how I think, work, and live.  I'm excited to tell you about it over the next few weeks and months.

Thanks for letting me say that.  It actually wasn't as painful as I thought.


Alyssa said...

Jill -

I know this fear all too well! I had followed all of the right paths that society tells us we should make to lead a happy and successful life (i.e. go to school, get multiple degrees, find job that fulfills you) and yet, I wasn't HAPPY! I spent awhile being complacent in a job that was good pay to get me caught up on bills, but I was miserable. Finally, I decided to scrap it all. Life is too short for complacency. I gave up almost everything, sacrificed a ton, quit my job and started working on what I thought would fulfill me! I started my own business. Before doing this, I talked with a friend who reminded me that when I leapt, God would create a net for me and I wouldn't fall. I started blogging about all of my risks, my goals. It was a good reminder of where I've been, my struggles, my successes, where I am at and where I'm going. I met you through my past job (not the one that made me miserable) and I recently took another HUGE risk and left that to pursue my business further. It has been SCARY, stressful and still, a good learning experience. Even though sometimes things are tough, I keep marching forward, knowing that a net is there for me and with a smile on my face. While I don't advocate taking unplanned, not thought out and HUGELY risky steps that could leave one destitute, sometimes I think that risks are meant to be taken. It's the way I've seen the hugest growth in myself and found a lot of my happiness in life. I loved your post and I wanted to just encourage you to take risks and go after what you deserve! :) Know that there will be a net there for you. Know that you will struggle, it won't always be easy, but things earned with struggles are sweeter than anything given to us easily. I will be sharing this post on my blog (haven't blogged for quite a while and I actually need to get back to that anyways!) Good luck on your leaps!!! :) Alyssa

Shelley said...

The first few steps are always the hardest! Good for you for taking them. I made the decision to meet new people recently... Which is surprisingly harder than I thought it would be. I feel like a totally different person now that I have left my comfort zone :)

Girly Muse said...

Proud of you for coming out with it. :) And excited to see what happens now that you have. It's gonna be good. :) xoxo

s said...

Wonderful post! You only have the brightest future ahead! Cant wait to see you light up the world!!

Jilliebeanie said...

Thank you, friends!

Creole Wisdom said...

I've been there? The only balm that worked for me? Jesus Christ. Cliche, but true. :)

You are such a lovely person. I can't imagine anyone judging your even not liking you... you just have a friendly, happy sparkle!

I hate fear. It can be the most extreme prison. I hope you can feel relieved from it, too.